Dear me

Dear me, 

Being the second best all the time doesn't mean you ain't going to achieve anything throughout your life. Have some confidence. Doubts are here to prevent your overconfidence, not to lower your self esteem. 

And while you do not have what it takes to hold belief, you will continue to be bitter and jealous towards people's conviction in their heart.

Rather than witnessing, create it. It is easier said than done.

Shattered Prayers

There he is
Lying on his bed
His hands wrapped around 
The imaginary teddy bear
Craved since childhood
But never gets.

Sleep.
His mind refuses to compromise
His heart is racing fast
Unsettled and restless
Exhaustion took the toll on him
There's no sense of suffering
He is not willing to continue
"Let me go to a place of sufferings"
Let me go!

Effortlessly
He sits up by the bed
Staring blankly at the ceiling
No, there is no sheep for counting
No, there is no constellation of stars
But the bluish bed lamps
In a dim lit isolated room.

Songs
Are his best listeners
Through countless nights
A faithful mate
No other can understand him better
There is no one else to talk to
The problems he faces in life
Mistakes that can never be forgotten and forgiven
Betrayal from his loved ones
Is he supposed to be in this world? 
Does he even have the right to stay?

Shattered? Yes.
How many times he is going to die and live
Flame extinguishes
Fuel runs out
Hope dies
Mind is lost
All sensations are gone
Pain? No.
He has no fear 
Not a single drop of tear 
He is waiting for his time to come
Sun-up, Sundown.

He is still there
Staring aimlessly 
Absorbed in his own world
Consumed by lost souls
"Stay positive"
"Look at the bright side"
"You can do better, if you want to."
"Be strong"
Words of encouragement are deadly venom
Corrupting him to the core
Final blow.
True. No one knows.
"There's no hope for cure now. I pray the best for you."
said the counselor, Shirley.

A glimpse of an attractive light
Reflected from atop his study table
His facial expression twists a little
Bitterly he picks it up 
When the blade is carved on his wrist
Like how an artist would do to his masterpiece
He gives the slightest whine
He can hear his blood
Dripping down quietly 
Drop by drop
Under the pale moonlight
The irresistibly beautiful sight of scarlet red 

A new message appears on his computer screen
From his one and only best friend in school
"Why are you not sleeping yet? Don't be emotional, it makes you sadder. "
Laughing hysterically
He sends the usual reply
For a moment everything comes to a halt
He collapses
With the grin of real satisfaction 
The shockingly hollow eyes 
with pupils wide open.

"No regrets.
Finally it's all over, tonight."

That fateful night
The four distinct beats of the clock tower
and the eerie grin of his
are the most heart-wrenching
and terrifying of them all.

*****************************************************

On the other side of computer screen
A grim friend solemnly reads
"Hah. I'm alright. x) No worries. xD"

Is This Psychological Illness?

Why I keep smiling like an i**ot?

2AM IN THE MORNING. ANOTHER LONG LONG NIGHT.

BUT IT SEEMS THAT HE IMPROVED A LOT, THERE IS NO NEED FOR IT THEN. HOPE SO.

I WANTED TO GIVE OUT ALL MY STRENGTH TO HELP YOU, MAKING SURE TO GIVE YOU A PUSH TOWARDS YOUR GOAL. BUT I KNOW, YOU WON'T LET ME. I UNDERSTAND.

MADNESS!!!!! TOTALLY CRAZY. HAD HE JUST GOT BEATEN JUST LIKE THAT?

I ADMIT THAT I GOT UPSET BY HIS ONE-WORD INSIGNIFICANT REPLY. MY ENTHUSIASM ON THAT NIGHT HAD TOTALLY VANISHED.

WHEN HE TELLS ME THAT EVERYTHING'S FINE WHEN IT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT..

SO TEDDY BEARS PROTECT THE CHILD FROM THE MONSTERS UNDER THE BED... BUT THE INSECURE FRIEND OFTEN FAILS TO PROVIDE SECURITY TO THE BABY OF THE GROUP.

IF I CONTINUE TO DWELL IN THE EMOTIONS AND BITTERNESS, I WILL EVEN RUIN THE THINGS WHICH ARE ALREADY GOOD, PUTTING PREVIOUS EFFORTS IN VAIN.

TONIGHT I WANNA CRY, THE MOST FREQUENTLY PLAYED SONG.

"BECAUSE I NO LONGER SEE THE DOW WEI XUAN I USED TO KNOW, AND THAT HIS SHADOW PERSONALITY SEEMS TO HAVE CHANGED A LOT, THE WAY HE THINKS, THE WAY HE EXPRESSES"

"THIS MAKES ME WONDER WHETHER YOU HAVE A COLLEGE LIFE AND COLLEGE FRIEND, OR ARE YOU STILL STUCK IN THE PAST WHERE YOU ARE IN CHS BACK THEN?"

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IS, PEOPLE ARE IMPROVING DAY BY DAY, WHILE I AM SEEMINGLY DETERIORATING AT EVERY ASPECTS OF MY LIFE.

THESE ARE THE EMOTIONAL LONG NIGHTS... READING SENTIMENTAL STUFF, LISTENING TO SAD SONGS, STRUGGLING TO FOCUS, REMINDING MYSELF NOT TO WASTE TIME WHEN EXAM IS AROUND THE CORNER... AT THE SAME TIME WANTING TO PUT ON HOPE FOR THE COUNTRY

TODAY IS HER TURN TO BE EMO. TALKED TO HER TO EASE HER FEELINGS, OH AND SHE IS INTO ASTROLOGY HAH DURING HER SUMMER BREAK!

SHE CAME, WHEN I NEEDED THE MOST. SHE WAS A REAL GOOD COMPANY. NO PRESSURE. GOOD OLD FRIEND.

SO THE COUPLE IS BACK TOGETHER AGAIN. JUST LIKE HOW FAIRY TALE USUALLY ENDS, HAPPILY EVER AFTER. I HAD DONE MY PART, GUESS I WILL NOT BE NEEDED ANYMORE.

I HOPE THAT NO RUMOURS HAS SPREADED, AND NO ONE GOSSIPS ABOUT IT. AT THE SAME TIME, I AM SO PROUD OF MY FRIEND, DUE TO AN UNSPOKEN REASON.

SO I BOUGHT A CAKE FOR THE BIRTHDAY. TIRAMISU. CONSEQUENCES? I HAVE NO IDEA. NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

I TALKED TO HIM AGAIN. AGAIN, OR OF COURSE, IT NEVER TURNED OUT WELL. FED UP, I LEFT THE CONVERSATION. 

AND BECAUSE OF MY SO-CALLED OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENTS ATTRACTED SO MUCH ATTENTION, THE OTHER ONE HATED ME FOR SO LONG, BUT I GUESS WE DID NOT REALIZE THAT WE STILL TREATED EACH OTHER AS FRIEND, BUT THE POINT IS, WE DID NOT KNOW. 

I DID NOT KNOW, AND DID NOT EXPECT TO THE VERY LEAST, THAT HE IS MY LIMIT, AND BEYOND MY THRESHOLD.

WHAT IT TAKES TO BE AN OUTSIDER.. WHEN EVERYONE HAS THEIR ORIGINAL GROUP OF FRIENDS.

WHY AM I NOT WILLING TO ACCEPT CERTAIN THINGS, WHEN IT IS THE HARD TRUTH, EVEN IF I KNOW BETTER TO BE AT PEACE WITH IT, I REFUSE TO!!!!!! URGH!

Why?

我究竟是怎么了?

他到底在想些什么?

你真的这样认为吗? :(

More Than Enchantment

More than enchantment
More than loving
More than refreshing
Only peace.
Can't you hear the sound of fan spinning
Humming of the electrical appliances and
Slow breathing of the adorable pet?
By simply being with you
Letting seconds pass at its own pace
Without a tinge of restlessness and nervousness
Waiting for messages
Typing replies with love within
Exchanging warm greetings
Expressing our yearnings to each other.

Your random and eccentric demeanor
Makes me hard to resist
a kid's laughter.
I am to follow 
Your free will.

There is no room for vanity
No need for intensity
Between you and I
Pretence vanishes
Expectations flee for their lives
Romance sighs in despair
And with pure confidence and belief
Faith proudly strides in.

I trust so much
because it liberates my soul dear.

And this is only between
Us.

徘徊在亏欠与感恩之间

总是会有一个人，他全心全意地对待你，你却不能给予他你的百分百真心，而他仍旧任劳任怨默默待在你的身边，不离不弃。

五丈原叹知音

秋风萧萧 五丈原上
诸葛亮由童子搀扶着来到营门外。
默默的看着自己的士兵、军营、战马……
轻轻的抚摸着那把鹅毛扇。
而后抬头仰望
似乎要看穿那深邃的天空

似乎在天空的那边
有一个人也正在看着他
孔明对天长啸：是公瑾吗？公瑾，你在哪里？
你年少成名  结义孙策
四处征战     虎卧江东
风流倜傥    佳配小乔
我却高卧隆中达数十载
背负卧龙凤雏得一可安天下的盛名
幸而得遇刘皇叔
三顾茅庐
世人皆曰我清高
然诚如司马徽先生所言
我虽得其主不得其时尔
呕心沥血辅佐皇叔
虽有博望、新野之胜
依然败走当阳  狼狈不堪
而你却已驻守柴桑  坐观天下
承受着主公的“内事问张昭，外事问周瑜”的恩宠。

记得第一次见到你，是曹操大军压境之时
在君府上   听君抚琴
你我琴心相通
你明明心里已确定对曹一战
却轻描淡写欲降
不得已我出言激之
你才挥剑力决
而后你我数次交手
于是我平生第一次弄险
草船借箭
成就了我的威名
却使天下人认为你气量狭窄
殊不知我们早已惺惺相惜。。。

你派我兄诸葛瑾来劝说我归顺江东
足见你雅量高志
戏耍蒋干   挥洒自如
赤壁鏖兵   鼎立三足

然我等各事其主
不得已刀兵相见
你先我而去
逃去这混沌乱世
脱去那无尽烦劳
从此天下  再无知音

你可知
白帝城皇叔托孤
一句：“若子不肖，汝可自立为西川之主”
让我惶惶不可终日
而后上出师二表  六出祁山
夙兴夜寐  鞠躬尽瘁
而今 在这五丈原上
自知时日无多
愈加思念故友

公瑾啊公瑾！
你可知
我多想念建安年间的三江口
多想与你合奏一曲
多想与你促膝长谈
淡茶亦可  浊酒也罢
彼此相逢一笑泯恩仇
不知你可愿否？

公瑾！我来也！

是夜，
秋风凋零
巨星陨落。

在曹营一方
司马懿夜观天象
仰天长叹：“孔明，如有来世，我还愿做你的对手！”

知音

昔俞伯牙擅长抚琴。世人虽赞之，无人能懂。伯牙感到孤独，直到某天偶遇钟子期。俞伯牙抚曲，唯钟子期能听懂，伯牙视子期为知音。子期死，伯牙摔琴谢知音。从此伯牙不再抚琴，因为没有能听懂者。
　　
　　知音难求，故世间慧者多孤独。读史，除伯牙子期之外，最为感动的知音有两对儿：管仲和鲍叔牙，周瑜和鲁肃。
　　
　　
　　知音者从不相疑。管仲和鲍叔合伙做生意，管仲常中饱私囊，多分金子。鲍叔不认为管仲贪婪，因为知道管仲贫穷。管仲给鲍叔出主意，总是使鲍叔陷入困境。鲍叔不认为管仲愚蠢，因为知道时机总有不顺的时候。
　　
　　管仲参军，常打败仗。进攻总是走在最后边，撤退总是跑在最前边。鲍叔不以为管仲胆怯，因为知道管仲惦记家中老母。
　　
　　管仲几次做官都被老板解聘，鲍叔不认为管仲无能，因为知道管仲时运不济。管仲侍奉公子纠，公子纠败，管仲没有死节，而是选择幽囚受辱。鲍叔不认为管仲没有廉耻，因为知道管仲不以失小节为羞而以不能显功名于天下为耻。
　　
　　管仲叹曰：生我者父母，知我者鲍子也。
　　
　　
　　鲍叔向齐桓公举荐管仲为相，齐霸天下。管仲将死，桓公问管仲鲍叔可否为相。管仲答：不可，鲍叔心胸狭窄，非相才。鲍叔闻之，叹曰：管仲亦知我也。
　　
　　
　　周瑜初识鲁肃，两相倾慕。鲁肃富家。周瑜将兵少粮食，鲁肃指家中两粮仓之一：君自取之。慷慨如是。
　　
　　后周瑜荐鲁肃于吴王。周瑜风流倜傥，聪明机智，器量宏大。鲁肃沉稳厚实，目光深远。二人在外交政策上意见常相左，然感情融洽。周瑜死，荐鲁肃继其位，因知鲁肃能。
　　
　　外交意见上鲁肃每与周瑜争，时阴败其谋。周瑜叹曰：鲁肃厚道长者也。
　　
　　
　　萧何曹参，稍逊其色。二人相知而不相能，然不误公事。盖因二人知：虽彼不能，舍我即彼。萧何将死，荐曹参继相位。曹参虽不喜萧何，然为相后紧随萧何，不改一令。
　　
　　萧何死讯传于曹参，曹参连夜收拾行李，言曰：彼死必我为相。二人相知如此。因互不能，未能成知音。

最佳麻醉剂

啃着书本，

咀嚼着历年考题，

尽管是多么浓稠难咽。

——拼了。

浑然没有昼夜之分，

为了预考忙碌。



废寝忘食，

为的只是麻醉自己。

Where is the Peaceful Garden?

Everything annoys me. Everyone irritates me. No patience exists at all, towards anything, or towards anyone, for now.

For this moment I knew I have had enough of rubbish happening in my life.

Inconsistencies
Randomness
Unawareness
Ignorance
Fantasy dreamers
Petty minds
Nonsense.

But why would they bother me in the first place?

For this moment I knew I have exceeded boundaries. I have eaten up my own personal space. I cannot breathe.

And this is the consequence of I testing my own limits.

I am no dump site of people's feelings and problems. I realized that I cannot handle it, as the moment I take in, it will instantly belongs to both of us. I have to bear it with you.

Sometimes I have to take care of myself too. 

I cannot take in anymore.

I don't want to care anymore.

I don't love anymore.

I no longer have the energy to do so. 

It's empty. Hope that the fuel is still enough for me to make it through.

So what happens when there is no channeling out but only in, is, it will overload and then, spill. burst.

Don't mistaken me, it is all my weaknesses.

Perhaps the devil in me seized the opportunity to wreak havoc inside me, taking the shape of my closest friends.

Misjudgment
Over intepretation
Extremely unreasonable expectations
... 


As if I heard it whispering, the worse have yet to come, endlessly tormenting me to the max. I am not certain. I need to be alone.

Coffee

Grown bitter, haven't I? 

I Truly Care

So you told me to take care of him.

You know what? It troubles me, deeply.

At first, I really did not know what to say.

Cuz you see,

I like you.

So to "take care" of is not that hard at all.

In fact I should have replied "I'd always been watching over him"

Somehow I just do not understand.

I only knew,

I care about him, a lot.

Don't you worry, he'll be doing just fine.

拥抱

需要一个可以让我拥抱的人

需要一个可以默默听我倾诉的人

需要可以让我投入他的怀抱的那个人

Trip to Dusun Eco: Perfect Blend of Love and Memories, Old and New, Past and Present

过去。

那个地方曾经是我生命中的一个转折点。

在那里，

颓废的我，拾回了自信和勇气。

冷漠的我，察觉心中潜藏的爱心。

那种仿佛与生俱来的，对幼小的呵护心，对弱小的怜悯心。

期待已久的我，初露锋芒。

长期蜷缩在黑暗中的我，重新感受光明的温暖。

这些都在其次，

因为最重要的是，我与你相遇，在这个令人难以忘怀的地方。


而如今，

故地重游。

促进了同学间的交流和了解，

原来鲜少交流的双方也能相处得融洽无间；

增进了彼此深厚的友情，

真希望这份真挚的友情永远那么甘醇芬芳！

尝试许多精彩的新事物：

滑稽的印度舞

合作无间的木筏制作过程

大家都同心同德，只为了完成一艘令人自豪的木筏，没有丝毫芥蒂。

当然不缺乏浪漫的，

和最宠爱的人

在夜幕中数着萤火虫。

在星光璀璨的夜空下，

他给我指出了猎户座。

它代表生命的方向。


一幕幕的记忆在脑海中倒带放映，

那种若即若离若熟若疏的感觉。


离别之时，

那颠簸的卡车

载不动心底无比的眷恋和不舍。


回到了同一个地方，却因为时间的不同，主角的差异，让我由衷体会到不一样的风景。

不虚此行。



思君忆君，魂牵梦萦。

弥勒：大肚能容天下难容之事，笑口常笑天下可笑之人

有时候真的不由得我们去思考和质疑事情发生的缘由，尽管内心深处堆积着多少不甘。

深入追究只会换来满腹的愤懑及怨气。

所以只好祝福见证中的自己追求更宽大的心境，同时在心中默念：

人家气我我不气，
我若气时中他计，
要是气死没人替，
想想还是别生气！

仅此宽度，方能带来快乐平和。

沉重是代价

每一秒都可以是沉重的，也可以是轻松的。。

是吗？





那颗忐忑不安的心，起伏不定、无休止的、扑通扑通地，演奏着他的难堪无奈，每一音符击中他的要害伤人之处。